a little metaphor. back in the day when there was no radiators, people had to make fire as to cook and keep warm. So the question is: how do you make a warm fire?
you start out slow. you ignite very small branches, and harbor that fire, until you put tiny splinters and logs onto it. as the fire spreads you add bigger logs and the flame rises and rises. However, though this is very impressive to watch, the flames are not what really emits the most warmth. and to be going for superlatives, you would have to throw in trees as some point to make it bigger and bigger. however that does again just put on a show, yet not emit the highest amount of warmth.
if you want to go for warmth, you need the glowing get going, and usually after the bigger logs’ flames are gone, the glowing begins – the highest part of warmth being emitted (you can also at this point add coal to the mix, and the warmth will last the whole night long – but that just aside)
if in the process of lighting the fire you add more and more logs, the logs will kill the fire and that leads to there being no glowing process. then all you can do is take the excess of logs out of the fire-place and start from scratch. so far an excursion on how to make a nice warm fire, the old fashioned way.
now back to D/s reality and the D/s or DD inspired relationships
if you put out too many rules, it becomes constant work for the show, but will not provide the deep down feeling of glowing. if you want to glow, you need to add tasks at a certain pace, and tend to the fire at all times. if you overwhelm one another the risk is the fire will go out. you will end up frustrated and then it is back to square one
D/s or DD relationships however are work. Hard work at that. Why, because like maintaining a fire, they are worth the effort. It is not the Dom being lazy about things, it is not all about the Dominant (Head of Household), it is also not all about the submissive (Taken in hand), it is all about the relationship. and yes, it is work for the dominant as well as the sub. the Dominant has to set up tasks and follow through. How can a Dominant expect fruition of the relationship in that the Dom leads and expects to be followed, if they fail in leading?
It does take self discipline to follow through with assigned tasks. In the beginning of the fire burning the big logs, you could just sit back, and enjoy that bit of warmth but it is likely the glow will eventually go out. the log will break in the middle and the heat will not suffice to bite its way through the now too big wood chucks. Frustration!
Redo from start. (insert coin to play). Fire follows its own rules. To keep a fire at a certain level, you need to become very responsible. Of course you can yell commands at the fire, but if you play the rules wrong, you will end up cussing at ashes. So instead of overwhelming one the other, and if you want it to be a bit easy on you, as the Dominant, you start with a few or just a single task and you follow it through. You expect your submissive to follow through with rules, well, time to lead the ship, no? By example, at that!
When I try helping My submissive to grow I look at what needs be changed and usually it is very complex. If I told her: we need to adjust your sleeping, food, your drinking habits, your work out program, your education, your ethic etc etc all at once …
you see the wood logs pile up? there will be no fire, just frustration. And I will have the “pleasure” to micromanage and a whole big-load of work to do, and in the end we both could fail. The failure would also be Mine. So while I do see all these logs, I decide which log is the smallest, the one, that will catch on fire as a whole, as fast as possible… and I concentrate just on that one field. Just one task. Example: set a bed time and see to it that it is maintained. (Sending an adult person to bed at your own whim, and not theirs, does make for a great D/s experience btw. – and it can be done Vanilla friendly too. “your day was long, darling, why don’t you retire?” ) Once the sleeping/bed-time thing is settled, once their maybe defiance has turned into compliance or even obedience, the next log is added. This way at one point many big logs will be glowing – and the warmth emitted is palpable.
So if you are experiencing the frustration, that after some show off phase, the fire seems to get extinguished, or have re-occurring episodes of frustration because your submissive seems too overwhelmed all the time to do all those rules? Take a good look on the strategy as the leader. Are you maybe overwhelming your relationship, and are you really following through with implementing your rules?
See, in a One leads the other relationship the responsibility for it working lies square on the leader’s shoulders, even if a lot of the workload itself may be with the follower. whether it fails or not is in both parties hands. Fire does want to burn, meaning the sub wants to submit and wood logs are enough there, but it will take the One making the fire, the Dominant to do the work, and initially it is very demanding on the Dominant as well.
But the reward is for both, and in My opinion even the process of making and maintaining the fire is a reward. For both. Keep the fire alive. Love
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